Dear Jack

The incredibly true story of Andrew McMahon:

Five WORST Albums of 2008

Welcome to the new year, ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to personally congratulate you on making it through a year full of terrible things. For starters, Katy Perry proved that, as a society, we are still too shallow to accept guy-on-guy homosexuality; but girl-on-girl is a-okay. Do you really think "I Kissed a Girl" would have been as popular as it was if it was actually, "I Kissed a Guy"? Cobra Starship thought it might, but that didn't get anywhere. Here are some other atrocities of the year we just barely survived:

Kanye West proved that he's an asshole.

George Bush tried to help Americans better afford life. EPIC FAIL.

Dr. Pepper tried to give everyone in the U.S. a free soda. As if that sounded like a plausible idea in the first place.

California passed Prop 8, pissing off a whole bunch of gay-rights advocates and starting a mini war between the gay community and the black community.

But let's get on with it, shall we? With no further ado, her are the five worst albums of 2008. (Please note: These aren't really the worst albums of the year...I'm sure some nobody in Tulsa, OK wrote a real piece of junk that nobody would be able to listen to without bleeding profusely from his ears. Simply put, this list is a collection of albums that essentialy failed to live up to their expectations. Keep that in mind).

5. Weezer - Weezer (The Red Album). TinyMixTapes.com had this to say about the band's 2008 release: "It is a sad portrait of a band that has been totally destroyed by fame and the pressures that come along with it." But TinyMixTapes is completely wrong. The reason this album is number 5 on our list of the year's worst releases is simply becuase it is the worst recording the band has ever produced--but still a heck of a lot better than the albums that follow below. There are 3--and only 3--good songs on the entire album that, fortunately for Weezer, are good enough to prevent The Red Album from being catapulted to number one on this list. "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived" is an epic song--and ironically, one of my favorites of the year--that nobody could have pulled off quite like Rivers Cuomo. "Pork and Beans" isn't bad, and "Troublemaker" also has qualities unique to Weezer's style. But venture past track 5 and you move from mediocre alternative-rock to a sonic collection of crap not even worthy of placement on a b-sides album. Yeah, I said it.

4. Jack's Mannequin - The Glass Passenger. These are the songs that you should rip off of the internet so as to spare yourself from buying the entire album: "Miss California," "Bloodshot," "The Resolution." The rest of the collection feels unfocused and scattered. Outside of these three songs, the album is hard to get into and gives the listener nothing to hang onto; at least not as much as 2005's Everything In Transit. "What Gets You Off" just seems inappropriate and, honestly, it makes me uncomfortable. All in all, it feels like Andrew McMahon got lazy with his songwriting.

3. Panic! At The Disco - Pretty. Odd. When Panic! released A Fear You Can't Sweat Out in 2005 everyone was afraid that this band was nothing more than a synthetic piece of crap thrown into the spotlight by Pete Wentz's affection. But we tried not to think about it becuase, let's be honest, it was damn catchy. And I think that Brendan Urie and bandmates realized that they needed to prove themselves as real musicians. So they decided to strip it down, listen to the Beatles, and write some honest-to-god music. Here's the problem: the songs sucked. And everything we liked about the 2005 release is absent from Pretty. Odd. And what's more, the group of pre-pubescent, ought-to-be-nobodies is still hiding behind wild orchestral arrangements and synthetic production. You think you're so clever because you put a period between Pretty and Odd. Grow up. If you're gonna do anything, bring the catchy stuff back.

2. She and Him - Volume One. Writing this hurts me. It really does. I love Zooey Deschanel. Next to Michelle Nolan, I'd marry her in a heartbeat. So let me say this before I send her record to the shameful spot of #2 on the list: She's got the look and she's got the voice, but she lacks the hook. She did a smart thing when she paired up with M. Ward, but she needs to be smarter when she's arranging her songs because sometimes they just sound annoying. I commend her for breaking the actor-musician barrier and I look forward for a second attempt.






1. Guns and Roses - Chinese Democracy. If it takes you 17 year
s to write an album, you must be in over your head. Can it and start over. 'nough said.

The Story of a Tonsilar Abscess (with a supplemental playlist).

See below after you read. It ought to make sense.

Hospitals are funny places. For most people, it's the last place you want to be. But there's an odd transformation that occurs when you are actually admitted to one. When they first tell you that you need to be sent to an emergency room, the first thing you think is god, what an inconvenience. Isn't there something else? There's got to be an easier way. All you wanted was a prescription to make it stop hurting, or to make the swelling go down. Just make it stop. Now. But instead, you've got more hurdles to leap over (but you won't have the fortune of a running head start). You look at the nurse or the doctor, whoever it is that's telling you that you need treatment beyond what he or she can provide. You want to say to her, "Why You Gotta Make It So Hard?" It's not going to get you anywhere, though. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.

Somewhere around the time that you actually start getting treatment your opinion on the matter starts to change. It's hard to describe, exactly; and depending on how you get to the hospital, the change might come sooner rather than later. Maybe you're lucky enough to get a ride in an ambulance. They're not just reserved for people who've had their hands blown off or got their leg mauled by a pit bull, you know. Ordinary people with relatively minor illnesses get a flashing-lights-tour through the city too. The thought of riding in ambulance is all too scary until you're in it. "God, I'm in such bad shape that I need an ambulance?" you think. That's not always the case though, "better safe than sorry" is what they say. And while you're in there, you think that whatever happens, you'll come out of it with a good story--and the things you could do with that story!

Maybe this is the motivation you need to take charge on something in your life that you've been putting off. It's the classic epiphany that people have in movies all the time: where you realize your days are numbered and there's no sense in watching Cassandra walk by your desk every day without saying hello to her. Live each day as if it's your last, some big time actor always says.

Or maybe now you finally have content. Content for your next book. Your next script. Your next song. Your next album. God, this is gonna be a great story--and all the ways you can tell it! Maybe you'll write it out, plain as day in a memoir. Or maybe it'll come out in a poem, all the precise details hidden behind similes, metaphors, and a conglomeration of alliterated words. Don't forget a good juxtaposition. Maybe you'll write a song. Maybe each note will carefully re-tell how your eyes fell to the floor when you knew you were going to the hospital; or how the whole thing changed your life. You could even call it The Hospital Song.

This is it now. Your hospital visit is going to make a real, significant, life-altering transformation. You're finally free to make of yourself what you want. You're the un-phased "Yes" man. You're The Artist In the Ambulance.

If you don't get an ambulance ride, or even if you do, a change in attitude is amplified by your treatment--the complete care of a nurse, a doctor, an intern, an attending is all for you. Right now, you are their world. They want nothing more than for you to get and feel better. And God knows that's all you want to. They slowly become your little cheering section. Each pain killer they put in your IV and each injection they make in your body is really a shout of encouragement. It's a shake of the pom-pom and a "You can do it!" They're the firefighters out your window. They yell at you, "Don't worry, I"ll catch you."

Some people say that Hospital Rooms Aren't For Lovers. By no means is a hospital room romantic. The bed certainly isn't suited for love making. You wouldn't want to get over-excited in your delicate state, anyway. Plus, there are those nurses checking on you every few minutes. The truth is, though, that hospitals, maybe not hospital rooms specifically, but hospitals are for lovers. They are precisely for lovers. In fact, there is no better group of people that could enter a hospital together. For, you don't want to go to the hospital alone. No one does. Sure it would be nice if your family (as in your parents) were there. But they'd be obligated. The presence of your lady; her strong, tightening grip on your hand as she cries knowing you're in more pain than you can handle. These are one of the best things in the world. Obviously, you'd much rather not be in this situation where tears are quickly rising the water level in the room and the pain is enough to keep you constantly and involuntarily releasing a low murmur between your tired vocal chords. But really, it means a lot. The way she gives it up, gives everything up to bet there with you; the way she annoys the nurses to get you another dose of morphine; the way she stays with you while you sleep, so that you'll be the first thing you see when your groggy eyes open for the first time after coming out of surgery. All of these things are her way of saying, "I don't ever want you to be in this situation. But if you are, I Could Be There For You.

When it's all over, you're glad that you came. You almost feel sad leaving the place. You won't miss the feel of the cold, annoyingly sterile floor on your bare feet, or the way a random cry of pain from your hospital roommate will prevent you from sleeping through the whole night. But you've come to The Resolution. You will miss the camaraderie that you've built and the cheers from your nurses and hopes to get better. Oddly enough, despite the inconvenience and the terrible physical pain you've endured, something has made you better. Something has made you stronger. And you can't help but feel like you are The Luckiest.

The Tonsilar Abscess Playlist:
1. Michael Runion - "Why You Gotta Make It So Hard?" (I couldn't actually find a link for this one, let me know if you want it).
2. Ben Folds - "The Hospital Song"
3. Thrice - "The Artist In The Ambulance"
4. The Get Up Kids - "I'll Catch You"
5. Bear Colony - "Hospital Rooms Aren't For Lovers" (I couldn't find a link for this one either).
6. Eisley - "I Could Be There For You."
7. Jack's Mannequin - "The Resolution"
8. Ben Folds - "The Luckiest."

Don't watch all the videos if you don't want to. In fact, some of them are kind of weird.

Stay safe out there.